when I grow up

Do you remember the dreams you had as a kid? What you hoped to do or hoped to be when you grew up? A race car driver, a lawyer, a doctor, a fireman, a pro athlete.

Just like every other kid, I was asked that question by all kinds of people. Parents, teachers, and friends would ask, “Kortney, what do you wanna be when you grow up?”

David was my best friend growing up. We lived nearly a stone’s throw away and could walk through the woods to one another’s house. We had some incredibly intense Nerf basketball games in his bedroom. We stayed up late playing video games beating every level of Super Mario Bros. We launched baseballs over the fence into the neighbor’s pool during the summer in what seemed to be our weekly homerun challenge.

But I’ll never forget when his mom asked me the question, “Kortney, what do you wanna be when you grow up?” I couldn’t have been more than 10 years old at the time.

And to hear her tell it, without hesitation, I said something to the effect of, “I wanna get married and have kids!”

I was 10 years old! Where did that thought even come from? What kind of childhood dream was that? That wasn’t a money making dream! That was a money sucking dream!

Apparently for the first 10 years of my life I had experienced something that I wanted to emulate. Something about my own personal experience had resonated with me and felt worth being repeated.

I went on to say that I wanted to get married and have kids right away. Why? Because I didn’t want to be so old that I wouldn’t be able to enjoy playing with my kids as they grew up. Little munchkins running around under my feet like I did with my dad!

But then life happened! My childhood dreams made a shift to teenage dreams. And those teen dreams shifted into early adult life dreams. And now sometimes I feel like I have old man dreams! You know, like not pulling a hamstring rolling out of bed when the alarm clock sounds!

I often joke with people about why I didn’t make it to the NBA because I was a 5’9″ white guy. So, my goals as a college student shifted. Instead of playing college sports I decided to chase a free education. I graduated college and accomplished one of my goals; teaching and coaching high school basketball. I got married and we had a child. I became a youth pastor. And I was cruising through my 20’s.

But the start of my 30’s hit a major bump in the road! A lot of familiar faces and places were no longer there! I was wading through a lot of new territory. My dreams and goals had radically changed! And for a minute, I even had a few nightmares.

But here’s the thing; I didn’t stop dreaming!

I’m doing my best not to dwell on the past. I’m doing my best to not think about what might have been. Or shoulda. Coulda. Woulda. My past has taught me some valuable lessons and I’m sure there’s still more for me to learn. But I’m trying to live in the here and now realizing that my actions and reactions in the moment will have a profound impact on my tomorrow.

So what have I been dreaming about lately? In a nutshell, to be a better son, brother, dad, and teacher. And most of all, to be a more devoted follower of Christ.

As a son, to feel loved and accepted. As a brother, to offer help and encouragement. As a dad, to love and to lead. As a teacher, to invite and engage.

As a more devoted follower of Christ, daily surrender! This is generally the most difficult task. I often want to do it my way. What’s in my best interest. Refusing anyone else’s help or advice. But I know when I’m fully surrendered to Him all the others are perfectly aligned and centered in God’s plan for my life.

My life doesn’t look anything like I thought it would as a 10 year old talking to my best friend’s mom. But I know the hills and valleys of life are constantly shaping me to become the person God has created me to be. Have I arrived? No way. Am I all grown up? Not even close. Am I still dreaming? Hoping? Anticipating? Pursuing? Longing? You bet I am. And I believe the best is still yet to come!